"Things Won't Always Be Like This"

The only thing I've heard since entering my Freshman year at the University of Utah is "Don't worry De, things won't always be like this". Friends, family, advisors, and the frowning girl looking back at me in the mirror; everyone tries to provide this pathetic consolation. What's that supposed to even mean? Obviously, the implication is that things will get better with time, but in your most vulnerable and desperate of moments, it's easy to believe that life will just get worse.


I'm not just some whiny teen looking for attention on a blog. I'm merely an 18 year old girl who's looking for answers. There are so many new things coming into my life that I don't know which version of me is right. The old 2010 version of De that was miserable with condescending, ignorant people in her life and a personality that swung more violently than a pendulum, or the new 2011 De that can't seem to even describe herself. In the process of this sudden and fairly drastic transition, this 2011 De (that may wind up with a new name before the semester is over) has a new dorm, new friends, and new prospects. While she has gained more confidence and an eye for positivity, the old De is weeping in the corner because she has been left behind with many other memories and people from the past year. 

First Semester..... We look happy right? Weeeellll.... about that.....

Okay, I'm not a nut. Just to clarify, I know that there aren't multiple "me"s running around out there. I want people to know that even though I'm sure no one's even reading this.  

Theoretical Orphan Who Needs Saving

Being the first to criticize myself in any given situation, I must admit that I have messed up in the past year. Causing drama, which is something I like to avoid, has become my specialty. Yet despite the relationships I destroyed faster than children being born in this God-forsaken state and in greater magnitude than that 6.6 earthquake in 1934, there is a part of me that can't feel guilt. It's not just that I don't. I can't. I am mentally and emotionally incapable of feeling this sensation. As the weeping girl in the corner screams "What have you done to us?!" and "You're the most heartless bitch in history!"this new girl pushes her in the closet and walks out the front door into a brightly lit future. Maybe it's true that 2011 De is a big bitch. Maybe it's true that she has an emptiness where her heart once was. But how can an individual have meaning if they only serve others? Let's not get into this whole "sharing is caring" bull, with the activists saving third world orphans and repairing the rainforest that needs rescuing. 


If you live your life for the satisfaction of other people, what point is there in living? 
If you try to take on other people's burdens to stifle your own, will they disappear? 
If you surround yourself with ignorant people, is it possible to degrade yourself to the same ignorance? 
If you do whatever you have to do to find meaning in your life, does that make you wrong?


The last question takes up probably 98% of my brain power every day, which is horrible considering you only use about ten percent of your brain's actual capacity. Or something like that. I've successfully rid myself of everyone that caused me grief, but at the same time tore out a whole part of me. I'm not referring to the idea of the weird 2010 De I have competing with the newer me in my brain. There was someone so dear and close to my heart that he consisted of half of my entire being. But he's gone. I pushed him away. Yet I still feel no guilt. This leads me to my main question:


What's wrong with me? 


With no one who can answer this question, I guess I should give a fairly acceptable answer. Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with my other half. There's a lot wrong with some of the people I've encountered in my life, but that's their issue to deal with. All anyone my age can really hope for is that they grow into a better person. As my body begins to catch up with my mind in age, I realize that there are no wrong decisions. Everything leads you to where you're supposed to be. If you didn't have something new enter your life, how could things not always be the way they are? So, I guess my friends, family, and advisors are right; Things won't always be like this. At this point, I can only hope that the bright light ahead of me won't scold the bold, new 2011 De in the process. 


The rest of my posts won't be too philosophical or whiny, I promise. I love rambling on about the incredulity of Snuggies, the ridiculously orange, and of course the absurd rituals of young adults. Just stick with me? Please?


Oh and PS, thanks Google Images.